How I Almost Spent $8,000 on Questionable Art at Sea

Here's the thing about cruise ship art auctions: they're absolutely ridiculous, and yet I found myself genuinely entertained for two and a half hours on night three of my voyage on the Margaritaville at Sea Paradise. And that's saying something, because I'm usually the type of person who avoids "optional" activities like they're asking me to volunteer for a colonoscopy in the main theater. But there I was, standing in the Hemisphere Restaurant & Bar with a complimentary glass of something called a "Sunset Splash" in my hand, surrounded by about thirty other guests who looked equally skeptical about the whole thing. The auctioneer, a guy named Derek with frosted tips and the energy of someone who'd already downed three espressos, was setting up his microphone like he was about to reveal the secrets to eternal youth. "Ladies and gentlemen," he announced, his voice booming across the dining area, "welcome to tonight's exclusive art showcase! We have some absolutely STUNNING pieces curated from the finest contemporary artists around the globe!" I immediately texted my husband Dave, who was at the poker tournament, that I was being lied to in real time. He responded with a laughing emo…