Finding Myself Again: My First Solo Cruise After Loss

I almost cancelled this cruise a dozen times. Seriously, I had my finger hovering over the cancel button on my Princess Cruises account for what felt like weeks. Every time I thought about actually going through with it—about boarding the Discovery Princess solo, without Mark, without the man I'd planned to spend every vacation with for the next thirty years—my chest would tighten and I'd convince myself it was a terrible idea. My daughter finally staged what I can only describe as a gentle intervention in my kitchen, reminding me that Mark had bought this ticket specifically so I'd have something to look forward to after he was gone. "Mom, you have to go," she said, squeezing my hand. "Dad would absolutely lose it if you didn't." She was right. He would have. So on a gray February morning, I found myself pulling into the Port of Los Angeles with a suitcase that felt both too heavy and somehow empty. I'd packed and repacked it three times, unsure what one wears when they're grieving but trying not to be. The Discovery Princess sat gleaming in the distance, impossibly large and impossibly beautiful. I remember thinking it looked almost too cheerful, too full of promise, for someone…